Before lunch I leave my jacket on my chair, so if I decide not to come back people think I'm still around somewhere.
Too fucked to get the TV controls? So you're just going to have to sit through this Sunday night costume drama then! Also works with Poldark.
I look permanently busy if I walk around holding a pen and a bit of paper.
I am on a recommended National Trust public walk, I see someone has hung a bag of dog shit from a tree.
One of our parents is trying to call us on the landline.
Anyone going to answer?
"does my stomach look big in this?"
"I went outside earlier in the week, it's like you literally have no control over anything?"
"As you can see they've retained a few original features, like Pete who used to drink here when it was a pub"
"Where's the crisps?"
"do you want any cakes or pastries with that?"
"if I wanted them I probably would have fucking asked for them"
"these end of year figures are amazing"
"yeah cheers, I fiddled around with them 'til they were bigger than last year's"
"We don't currently have a pension scheme, but you're welcome to join in the office 7 horse accumulator"
"I don't want to rush you but the first race is at 2.45"
"it's definitely Peter, I recognise the handwriting"
''Excuse me, is there anywhere round here I can't get a coffee?"
"do you want to do anything for your milestone birthday coming up?"
"no I fucking don't"
"how much is your meditation course?"
"well that's fucking wound me right up for a start"
"isn't it beautiful"
"where's my fucking presents?"
"right Steve, come on what are you bringing to the table?"
"I brought the biscuits?"
"I've lost quite a bit of weight worrying about not going to the gym"
"can I help you sir?"
"I don't fucking know, you tell me"
"in an ideal world I'd tell you to stick this job up your arse"
"hello my name's Peter and I'm a fucking arsehole"
"We don't have a dress code as such, but I would appreciate it if you could tone it down a bit"
"leave it Steve, so what if he reckons your sponge base was a bit on the moist side"
"I only use it to save a few quid buying my groceries back in the 70's"
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