"I normally home tutor for maths GCSE"
"we just want you to train home not to piss all round the toilet seat"
"what's all these photos of you naked?"
"just letting you know what I've got if you need to do a company calendar"
"what makes you think your account has been hacked?"
"'cos there's some money in it?"
"Do you do a 'Sign Up, Don't Turn Up' Package?"
"excuse me, what wine would you recommend for a monday morning?"
"this drink I bought off you, made me piss myself"
"how you getting on with your health monitor wristband?"
"yeah, I've found I'm getting much better results since I stuck it on the dog"
"does my stomach look big in this?"
"As you can see they've retained a few original features, like Pete who used to drink here when it was a pub"
"Where's the crisps?"
"I went outside earlier in the week, it's like you literally have no control over anything?"
"I only use it to save a few quid buying my groceries back in the 70's"
"do you want any cakes or pastries with that?"
"if I wanted them I probably would have fucking asked for them"
"hello my name's Peter and I'm a fucking arsehole"
"it's definitely Peter, I recognise the handwriting"
"how much is your meditation course?"
"well that's fucking wound me right up for a start"
"Your glass of red wine sir"
"I'm over here you cunt"
"can I help you sir?"
"I don't fucking know, you tell me"
"isn't it beautiful"
"where's my fucking presents?"
"I'm after matching outfits for a wedding, have you got a maxi dress for a sausage dog?"
''Excuse me, is there anywhere round here I can't get a coffee?"
"I'm arresting you for speeding."
"sorry mate me eyesight's fucked, I thought that sign said 'drive like a cunt"
"when the kids moved out we turned the spare bedroom into a wine box, do you fancy a glass?"
"I need to chill out, got anything that smells like money?"
"I want a bank loan"
"I'm going to have to take a few details down"
"tell you what mate fucking swivel on it, no wonder the country's fucked"
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